psycnatural ([info]psycnatural) wrote,
@ 2005-10-26 16:58:00
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PsychologyNatural.com [Home]
Sharing Experience: Introductory Message from Dr. Vic
Monday, October 24, 2005 at 12:58 AM

Hello friends. This moderated blog is a "guest book" where friends of PsychologyNatural.com can express their opinions, needs and questions with regard to the psychological aspects of everyday life. Above all it is meant to be a place where we can share experience and learn from each other. From time to time special topics might be announced which visitors will be encouraged to address. For example, if the topic were "child tantrums" parents who have successfully dealt with the problem might tender their advice for the benefit of others. In this early stage register your questions and advice on the kinds of issues that most concern you be they relationship matters, child management, fears or phobias crippling your natural talent, depression...or just express your opinion on how this journal might best be used. I think you get the idea. In the meantime you can learn about self help for depression at Depression Self Help, or learn about Hypnosis, Cognitive behaviour therapy, Old age or find resources related to a range of personal matters at Information Thank you for visiting. Please leave your question or comment.

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Test
(Anonymous)
2005-10-26 10:13 pm UTC (link)
I hope this gets through to you - I need your natural psychological help!!!!

Robyn

(Reply to this)

The Test
[info]psycnatural
2005-10-26 10:33 pm UTC (link)
Thanks Robyn for testing this and alerting me to the fact that your post didn't register if you pressed "submit" without first "reviewing" what you'd written. Vic

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(Deleted post)

(Deleted post)
Re: psych
(Anonymous)
2005-10-28 04:26 am UTC (link)
Dear Dr Vic,
My ex-husband refuses to be at the same social gatherings as me. Consequently our mutual friends often uninvite me since they think that I won't make as big a fuss as he. I have just put up with it until now. However, as our son is older it is becoming a more difficult situation. If I go to our son's graduation his Dad won't come etc. I hate to think what happens when he gets married.

What is the best way to deal with this? I hate to see my son so unhappy and torn.

Jane

(Reply to this) (Parent)
Son's graduation
[info]psycnatural
2005-10-29 11:29 pm UTC (link)
Thanks for the question Jane. The answer is simple enough even though the problem might seem vexing. You can't control what anyone else thinks or does, and it is usually a mistake to try and change someone's mind about something - even in sales and marketing where attracting and preaching to the already converted pays the most dividends. I assume your son has already invited you to his graduation. I assume you want to go. So go! If your ex perceives this to be a problem for him - then just be grateful it is his problem and not yours! As for your son, if he's old enough for a graduation he's old enough to be responsible for dealing with his own problems. He's already invited you (I assume) and he is aware this means his dad might not attend. This might make him sad, even angry and frustrated - but "them's the breaks", and if he is disappointed in his dad, then so be it- it's a better problem than hunger! Your ex is your EX and his propensities, likes and dislikes should be totally irrelevant to the decisions you make. Likewise your son's need to do his own emotional juggling in his own way should be respected. Hopefully, in this situation he will invite both of you and tell his dad that he has invited you and that he hopes and expects you will attend. Whatever his dad decides to do won't signal the end of the way. Be a proud mum and enjoy the graduation. Regards, Vic

(Reply to this)

Thanks
(Anonymous)
2005-11-01 06:35 am UTC (link)
Thanks for the opportunity to have input into everyday matters.

I know you will be able to help people the same way you have helped me over the years. The sharing of experiences can be both beneficial and therapeutic.

Good luck with your site.

All the best, Vicki

(Reply to this)


(Anonymous)
2006-06-03 01:29 am UTC (link)
You have helped me before and I am hoping that you can help me again. Usually I have a good relationship with my son but generally only if I walk on eggshells around him. He can be very generous and thoughtful at times but that is interspersed with some ugly fights. He seems very angry and it doesn't take much to set him off. Sometimes I later learn that some other event took place that upset him but I am the one that he "dumps" on.
He gets angry and then stops talking to me. I am the one that usually rings, apologises, he says he's sorry, things are good then another blow-up, he doesn't talk...and so the cycle goes on.

I am really tired of the verbal abuse. My mother and I decided to buy him a suit for his birthday. As soon as we arrived at the shopping centre he carried on about how we were at the "ghetto". He made a point at making inappropriate comments about the female shoppers whom he called "hoes". Once we were at the shop he continued to make disparaging remarks about the quality of the clothes and carried on with the female assistant to the point where I left the shop.

I caught up with him at the bus stop. He swore at me and continued to argue even though I tried to de-escalate the situation. I had arranged to take him to the Hyatt for breakfast. When I rang him he said that he had assumed that I had cancelled it because of his behaviour.

When I asked if he would turn up on The Sunday which was the actual day of his birthday (co-incidentally on Mother's Day) he said no and to throw his birthday cake (ordered from the local bakery) into the bin.

He actually turned up saying that his girlfriend had made him come.
After the lunch guests had left he became very rude. I said that if he continued to be rude to me that he would have to leave. Lots of swearing and then he left.

Now he is not speaking to me and has told my mother that he is never going to speak to me again. What is going on?? Even if he rang and apologised how do I stand my ground? I keep accepting his apologies and then the whole thing starts again.

There is a part of me that is relieved that I don't have to deal with someone whose mood is so mecurial. I have to be careful not to upset him, so when we are together I have to watch what I say and even that is no guarantee that he won't take offence a some perceived offence.

I want to stand up for myself but I don't know how to. I need to set some ground rules and boundaries so that I am repected. How do I do that? He is my only child and I would like to have a loving relationship with him but one that doesn't include all the fighting and arguing. I have tried a passive approach where I say nothing or am very apologetic but that doesn't work.

I am prepared to do whatever it takes to improve things but I do not want to be a doormat any longer.

What strategies can you suggest? He is 24 years old and has a good job.

Regards Jane

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(Anonymous)
2006-06-04 01:28 am UTC (link)
Hi Jane,
His behaviour has been conditioned by 24 years of experiencing what works for him and what has been modelled for him. The result is that he has now got you well and truly trained so that you experience anxiety (the walking on eggshells) about upsetting the poor dear - instead of the more usual reverse situation ("Jeez don't upset mum!"). He is likely to have learned to apply different behaviour patterns for different people. For example, if he is employed I very much doubt that his employer experiences a feeling of walking on eggshells when your son is around. The reason the military is able to control and motivate young men at the height of their testosterone drives is that the military imposes its positive (rewards) and negative (punishments) sanctions implaccably, with mechanical consistency. They have no special emotional inter-dependency with any particular one of their young charges. They are not into giving "oh just one more 'second' chance" as common in the domestic situation. So what should you do? I can only suggest stop buying him such expensive presents, don't pre-empt his tastes (buying clothes for people always tricky)and don't go out in public with him unless you are prepared to abandon him there the moment he becomes rude and offensive and likewise get rid of him the moment he becomes rude in your home. Because you are his mum I wouldn't expect you to actually follow this advice in any truly significant way; but if you did? (NOTE WELL) His behaviour would at first become WORSE. If you weaken under the onslaught, his behaviour will become still worse and more difficult to change, more entrenched. But if you can be totally consistent and intransigent over a long period his behaviour at least when you are around will mature.
Thanks for such an interesting letter. Any other readers are invited to "put in their two bobs worth" and let you know what they think.
Vic

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(Anonymous)
2006-06-04 10:00 am UTC (link)
Thank you so much for your advice. It was truly like a buoy to a drowning sailor. What you said made a lot of sense. I feel that I have a long term plan rather than an ad hoc approach. It was a kind of epiphany. I am prepared to be consistant and realise now that it will be a long haul. I often gave up because the behaviour got worse and that made me think I was on the wrong track. I feel very empowered. Your advice really diffused all the emotional aspect about the situation and put it into perspective. Once again thank you.

Jane

(Reply to this) (Parent)
I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY
(Anonymous)
2007-04-12 12:13 pm UTC (link)
I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY IS THE PEOPLE I GET TO DEAL WITH,HOW MANY YEAR I GET TO STUDY PSYCHOLOGY,THE FINANCIAL STATE HOW MUCH MONEY I GET BE PAID A MONTH

(Reply to this) (Thread)
Re: I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT PSYCHOLOGY
[info]vicbanks.myopenid.com
2007-09-14 04:40 am UTC (link)
I havent had a post in a..g..e..s and I see this was written last April. My answer is no longer of interest obviously - but I'll answer just for good form. So, my apology for not answering in a timely manner. I dont know where you live. I live in Australia. In Australia you will need as foundation a 4 year degree majoring in Psychology. There is still minor variation state-to-state but essentially the degree will need to be followed up by 2 years supervised experience. The supervisor will need to be approved by the Psychology Board in your State and a structured program of varied experience over the 2 years will need to be followed. The Psychology Board in your State will give you the details. To get the phone number/address of the Psyc Board call any psychologist in the yellow pages and ask.
If you live in USA you will need a PhD in Psychology in all States. In addition you will have to take a massive multiple choice exam covering all major aspects of psyc including ethics and research methods (there are short courses, some by correspondence to help coach you for that exam)...and nowadays they also require a 2 year program of supervision - but there are 50 States and some minor differences between them.
If you live in the UK - well I'm not sure, but as far as I can gather from a colleague and friend in UK the main thing is membership of the British Psychological Association.
Once again my apology for delay but the above might help someone else.
Vic

(Reply to this) (Parent)
"PS" to above post re psychology as a profession
[info]vicbanks.myopenid.com
2007-09-14 04:57 am UTC (link)
I didnt answer the bit about psy for psycholgists.

Regardless of whether you are in USA or Australia you could expect from $50K (maybe a bit less for very first starters job) upwards to say 75K in a government job. To get above $75K you usually have to move into a management job, so any postgrad dipolomas in Management can definitely help you get on. Private work can be very hard and competitive but bigger money is possible - especially if you can get rid of any "quasi-doctor" obsession and recognise the naked truth that many of the snootier academic psycs have trouble with: Clinical Psychology is an ANCILLARY health profession and salaried accordingly. If you can give up on being "like a doctor" and get into Management Psychology (which doesn't have the perceived "glam" of "clinical") then you can make serious money. There is serious money - $100K+++ in staff recruiting work, staff "outplcement" work and rehabilitation work.

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(Reply to this) (Thread)
Re: PSYCOLOGYNATURAL
[info]psycnatural
2008-06-28 09:45 am UTC (link)
Thankyou Laura. Perhaps you could post a note explaining about dual diagnosis?
Vic

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